TO THE ONE WHO NEVER WAS

Reexashley
3 min readOct 27, 2022

I like being around you. Your presence does matter. But does mine to you?

Most times I am in fear of boring you in person. I am in many ways different from you and with people you usually interact with.

I have tried to find a place in your life, and I think I've found it. At the other end of the phone is where I feel I belong. So no matter where you'll go in the world I'll be there too.

When we’re together I miss you. I miss you even though you’re right there next to me. Your presence is acknowledged but your mind is most often not. Am probably the last person you need in your life, the black sheep. In some occurrences I often wonder why am even relevant. Why do I keep living in denial and continue falling in the dark pit of what is assumed to be your love. I can’t find a way out, visionless and all alone.

It's cold. I can only hear the echo of my voice talking back to me as I desperately call for you and a sour melody of my tears dripping down. I have hit rock bottom, broke the surface and still falling. Where my heart once shone bright is now a low beam in the verge of extinction, cracked and crippled by the blindness of hope I only have myself to hold on to. Where do I go? Will things ever go back to normal? How do I pick myself up?

You cant pick up what’s not ruptured yet I told myself. As I break down my heart burns the desire to be with you, that shimmer glimpse of crave to feel your tender lips, your lustrous eyes that disrupts the flow of air into my lungs and the compelling need to hold you in my arms, I can see it all tear apart. Every single memory is burning out choking me with fumes of shame, shame that I failed to be the man that you long for. Blurry and blind by the smog of desire I spent months looking and searching for the pieces of what’s left of me. I tried and tried to piece back what’s left.

With every breath my heart gently stops, that slow deep beat squeezes my heart drawing strength from within. And as you fade away, I look up and take a knee. Like a true survivor I finally stand, better than I ever did. I have a chance, I have to move, I have the will and the power, am determined and am not worried of what lies ahead for what lies ahead depends on what I choose to do today, and today I choose make a stand, I choose to hunt, hunt for happiness to come out of the darkness I've dwelled into.

Lost in the wild am like a robot. Completely oblivious to emotions. Am scared, and petrified to fall again. But how will I find what I seek? The collection of feelings that makes me who I am.

How do I do it? Can I do it? Can I hit the reset button? Yes, no, yes, noo I cant. I know I can't. No you can, you have unimaginable will power within you. All you have to do is dig deep to the part that is hurting and forgive. Forgive and let go of whatever is holding on to you in your heart. Make peace within yourself and tell yourself you can. Saying is believing. Now can you do it. Yes I can. Can you make peace with yourself. Yes I can. I am strong, I've gone through the worst and on this day I stand and will preserve against all odds.

Written by king p❣

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