APOLOGIES

It would seem appropriate to start this poem with an apology because this is not a love story, or a profess of love, this is an apology because i might not be able to explain why but what i can do is try

My apologies for my misleading , I can assure you in most days I am not who you think I might be.

I am sorry if photographs of my face gave you the wrong impression, I don't smile that often no more,
I am not that joyful no more,
I hardly am that girl.

I’m sorry I make you feel welcome
But shut you down when you get closer
I am interested, I just do not have the energy to elaborate that gesture.

I’m sorry for not showing up to our reservations when you wana take me out, I am sorry I always have to be busy or caught up with work or not feeling owk in the last minute.

It dwells on me, that the woman you expect might not be the one you’re taking out on a Friday .
I swear I want to come but I just cant.
Usually I would pull merry theatrics associated with pretentious acts
But even pretence is sick of me.
I have succeeded to exhaust it .

My apologies for I do not know of words to explain to you how comfortable i am in silence, in my own words, feelings are mostly expressed in isolation.

I am sorry doors to my reality don’t smile upon you, I am sorry i’m afraid you will see scars that make me feel undeserving.
I know i am !!! but right now that verity is not familiar .

I am sorry I make promises I don’t fullfil
I cannot tell you how many times i got dressed to go out and or I couldn’t find the shoelaces which I purposely hid and if i did see them them then my shoes and feet just wouldn’t move. Would you believe me if I told you I get homesick the moment I open my door?
The moment i see the other side of my house and my skin even sees a glimpse of the sun , it shiver in terror. So what do i do??…...I go back to look into my 100 reasons to cancel plans journal that i personally engineered from scratch.

Fear, a breathtaking caress that doesnt seem to leave me be.
Dark intuition , cleansing my soul with insecurities of my past mistakes.
Like a reflection of everyone I meet, a replica of what i am to expect.
Trust issues.

Most days i am afraid you would like me while i dont even like myself
Then i will have to watch you carry the burden of loving me enough for the both of us.
A lie.

I’m sorry i can’t find the way to speak my heart’s language.
I am sorry i secretly want you to do it for me .But i’m also sorry I wont let you.
Because i dont want to be selfish.

I am scared of how transparently broken I could be, maybe when I get nervous when the waiter asks to take my order
Or when you asked if I needed a coat for the cold, what if I stutter not because I don’t know what to say but because of all thats lingering in my head.

I’m sorry i’m scared that you will notice how best am trying to be fine.
I ‘m sorry i’m scared i might open up and push you away
I am a mess.
Shit..did i say that out loud ?? I did in fact just say that out loud. I can almost feel you pulling away

"I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, i’m not a mess" I just, I just, are you still there?